Parenting Therapy in Grand Rapids
I know the worries that keep you up at night:
Will my kid ever be independent? Successful? Happy? I thought he’d be out of the house by now. She spends all her time alone in her room. How will he ever get a job or move out? We only hear from her when she needs money. We’re trying to help but they are so angry all the time. It feels like there is nothing we can do. He’s not even trying to move forward. She never takes any responsibility. No one understands how hard this is. Sometimes I resent my kid – this was supposed to be the good years. How did this happen? Is this all our fault?
You expected your young adult to be out of the house by now, going to college or holding a job. You see the pictures of your friends’ kids graduating, traveling, interning, celebrating and when you look at your kid – you see nothing… no action, no responsibility, and no progress. You know your child has had extra challenges such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, BPD, substance use, or self-harm, but they don’t seem to want support. Perhaps they’ve given up. As a parent you ache to help your child but don’t know how- do I push? make allowances? What is supportive? What is enabling? What does it matter when every conversation you have ends up in yelling or worse?
While it is normal to feel hopeless and powerless in these situations, parent coaching can guide you in seeing where and how you can help your young adult child.
If we focus only on our child’s behavior (her external world) and neglect the reasons behind that behavior (her internal world), then we’ll concentrate only on the symptoms, not the cause that’s producing them. And if we consider only the symptoms, we’ll have to keep treating the symptoms over and over again.
This is a common and hidden situation.
All parents hold a picture of what their child’s future would be like and your reality is so different. While you had hopes for college and success, your child is at home, on their phone, shut down, volatile, with no apparent plans for the future. It is easy for parents to blame themselves. Clients tell me they feel guilty, ashamed, and totally alone in this situation. The embarrassment keeps families from sharing with one another, but I want to reassure you that this scenario is more common than you think. A Pew Research study shows that there has been a four percent increase in the number of young adults living at home in the past thirty years due to a number of factors.(1) Young adults with mental health, risky behavior, trauma, or addiction struggle to launch at the same pace as their peers. Where do parents of young adults who haven’t left the nest get guidance and support?
Parenting therapy is a good place to start. I can help you determine what your role in should be when your child is no longer a child but not fully an adult.
You are not as powerless as you feel.
I get it. You want your child to have enough confidence to take the steps towards a happy, fulfilling life. And I have some bad news. You don’t the power to make this happen. It is not within your control, so it is not your responsibility. But you do have power to show up to your child in a way that conveys trust, expectations, and support. This is where I help parents, I coach them in setting appropriate boundaries and expectations and interacting with their child in ways that maintain a loving relationship. It is a delicate balance between empathizing and enabling. Between pushing along and pushing away. In parenting therapy, I help you find that balance.
You also need a place to grieve and vent about the situation you find yourself in. I hear clients say, “If you had told me I would be wondering if I should call the police on my own child, I would have never believed you.” I have worked with parents like you; the problems you deal with are nothing like the typical ‘when should my kid start driver’s training?’ others struggle with. I support parents whose young adult children have dropped out of school, stopped leaving the house, swear and yell at them daily, have no friends, have attempted suicide, have stopped taking their medications, are vaping, and have gotten into legal trouble. This is so hard. This is not your fault. This cannot continue this way forever.
I am trained in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy which was developed to help those who are highly sensitive and highly reactive. Through my work with teens in this population, I found that their parents need support and guidance themselves. This is not typical parenting, this is what I call parenting in the trenches. Interactions with your child feel like fighting a battle. DBT is based on the concept that two opposing things can be true at the same time: you can deeply love your child AND you can resent and be angry with them. Part of parenting therapy will be to help you hold these both conflicting feelings and decide how to act. Many of the parents I counsel are familiar with DBT skills, I help them apply those specific skills to parenting a young adult who is grappling with mental health or behavioral concerns.
I also coach parents in how to respond to specific scenarios like the ones listed above. What do you do when your child appears to be spending twenty hours a day glued to their phone? How do you respond when every time you set a boundary, your child threatens self-harm? Could you actually go away for much needed break? Are you supposed to continue to parent them like a child when technically they’re not a child anymore? Should you continue to let them live with you rent-free indefinitely? Do you require them to attend therapy? I help you get clear on what your goals are and how best to communicate with your child in a way that reassures them of your love and good intentions. Parents that I counsel report huge relief by getting clear on how to approach clashes with their young adults. Amid endless arguments, parent coaching helps ground you in a balanced, informed approach.
But it’s my kid who needs therapy!
Well, that’s probably true. But is happening? As you know all too well you can’t force someone to go to therapy no matter how much they need it. Parenting therapy helps you manage these exact situations. It also prevents parents suffering in these relationships from burning out. Plus, it is great to be able to tell your child who yells, “You’re the one who needs therapy!” “I am in therapy.” You are modelling the value of counseling.
We have tried everything; nothing has truly helped my kid.
That is often the case with families I work with. They have provided their kids with years of therapy, psychiatry, groups, retreats, and more. Their kids continue to struggle and their relationship continues to deteriorate. Part of parenting therapy is helping clarify what you have control over and what you don’t. It is about giving responsibility to your child and accepting where they are. It is about seeing progress even when it is small and setting goals that are attainable. In parenting therapy I will help you see how changing your responses can positively affect your whole family system. Occasionally, I also have family sessions when the young adult is open to this.
How long will this take?
That is nearly an impossible question to answer. I have coached some parents for a few months, I have worked with other families for years, meeting when they encounter a new challenge or feel overwhelmed. While I require weekly sessions in the beginning of our work, parents often end up meeting with me bi-weekly, once a month, or as needed. Since parent counseling is meant to help you, you get to determine what is the most helpful approach.
Your homelife can get better.
Parenting therapy guides, comforts, and strengthens parents who are struggling to support and like their young adults. I can coach you so that you can hang in for the long haul. If you need encouragement and counsel, reach out today for a free, 20-minute online consultation. I will do my best to respond to you in the next business day.
(1) Pew Research Center. (2024, January 25). Parents, young adult children and the transition to adulthood. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/parents-young-adult-children-and-the-transition-to-adulthood/
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