Sex Therapy in Grand Rapids
How long has it been since we were intimate?
In the beginning you used to be so passionate. Now even your kisses are routine and careless. Sex feels like just another item on your to-do list. You’re sick of your partner pressuring you to have sex! Is it even possible to get the spark back? Maybe you’re just too different when it comes to desire.
If your partner wants to have sex all the time and you couldn’t care less… is there any hope for your relationship at all? You don’t want to (and shouldn’t) have sex just to make your partner happy but not having sex isn’t working either. It’s no fun getting rejected night after night and it’s no fun being the ‘decider’ all the time either. You wonder if you’re the only one with this problem- is every other couple enjoying amazing, acrobatic sex regularly?
And, if you grew up in West Michigan you may have another layer of complication. You followed the rules. You waited until marriage. And you were promised magical toe-curling sex as soon as the last wedding gift was unwrapped. With no helpful information given about your body, pleasure, or even talking about sex. Purity culture set a lot of couples up for disappointment whether it was through unrealistic expectations or unhelpful messages about our bodies, desire, and gender roles. For some couples sex has never been easy or as good as they hoped it could be.
You know what we’re good at in this culture? We’re good at making nearly everything into a sexual innuendo. What we are not good at is being open, vulnerable and informed about sex. We seem to assume that we all know what we want and what our partners want. We’ve been told sex is natural and if you are struggling there is probably something wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Whatever you are dealing with (or not) in the bedroom, I promise you aren’t the only ones who struggle. There are many reasons pleasure in the bedroom can be hard to find. Stress from work, parenting, elderly relatives, conflicts, bad communication, and aging are just a few common desire killers. Studies find that around 50% of long-term couples report a decline in sexual satisfaction after 5-10 years of being together. Another study shows that 55-65% of couples report a decrease in sexual desire within 2-5 years of being together. Like everything else, our bodies and sexual desires change throughout our lives.
We’ve also absorbed so many unhelpful messages about how sex should be:
- If you love each other, you automatically know how to sexually please your partner.
- Only conventionally attractive people are desirable.
- Only women like romance and foreplay.
- Men are always up for and want sex.
- Both partners should have simultaneous orgasms within ten minutes of throwing off their clothes and stumbling to the bedroom.
None of these ideas help us to know what we actually like, what our partners want, or how to talk about sex in a helpful, honest way. And because sex is so personal and vulnerable, its likely feelings will get hurt and conversations will hit a wall.
That’s where a compassionate, empathetic sex therapist can be helpful in guiding you in identifying what you want, talking openly with your partner, and learning how to take your foot off the brake and onto the accelerator.
Sex therapy is the self-discovery, communication training, and sex education you’ve probably never had.
Some people are lucky and sex has always been and remains fun, easy, and desirable. For everyone else, sex therapy can help you get to know yourself and your sexuality. First, I’ll help you figure out what you really want. Do you long to experience more pleasure? Do you want to want sex again? Or perhaps, you’re realizing you just don’t want to be bothered about it anymore. Whatever you’re hoping for, sex therapy will help you tune into your own desires.
Many couples have never had a real honest conversation about sex. For a while that can work just fine and couples cruise on autopilot: if it’s not broken, don’t mention it. But when things change and the same old routine no longer works, you’re going to have to talk about it. In sex therapy you’ll get lots of practice. Many clients share things they’ve never had the courage to say out loud before. After all, if you can’t communicate openly, the chances of you being in sync with everything sexual are very small. You are two different people, your bodies are different, your sexual desires will be too.
I’ll help you discuss what sex means to you, when and how you experience desire, and perhaps even things you’d like to experience. We’ll get specific on the differences between women’s and men’s sexualities. Good sex is highly personal, embodied, and non-goal oriented. Not only will you discover your own preferences and turn-ons but also how to shut off your inner monologue, tune into your body, and be fully present. I will help the two of you share your worries and desires to create intimate experiences that strengthen your connection. I’ll help sex become a fun way show each other love rather than a source of hurt and misunderstanding.
Most sex education doesn’t teach us about pleasure. Sex therapy will equip you with the information on sexual drives, biological aspects to pleasure, and normalize what is happening to your bodies. In this process you will learn how many unhelpful and misinformed messages you likely received about sex. With good, science-based information you’ll trust that, as sex educator, Emily Nagoski says, “It’s all normal. If it works for you, it’s normal.” Then we’ll figure out what really works for you and give you permission to do what you need to so that you can both enjoy a delightful intimate life.
Desire differences and dry spells can cause lots of pain and resentment in a relationship. Sex therapy can help you both understand what is going on and co-create an intimate life that brings you closer than ever. Often the risky and rewarding process of solving sexual concerns gives couples the confidence to manage other disputes and conflicts.
Common Concerns about Sex Therapy
What happens in a sex therapy session? Is there touching, nudity?
A sex therapy session looks a lot like other couples therapy sessions. There are no hands-on practice or sexual activities in a sex therapy session. Sex therapy is a safe place to share your inner thoughts, wants, and fears and to hear those of your partner. Often there is reflection and teaching. There will be communication practice and exploration of experiences outside of session. Sometimes I make referrals to doctors, pelvic floor therapists, or trauma specialists. I often provide resources and suggestions for further education, experimentation, and discussion with your partner outside of therapy. All sex therapy is rooted in consent. You do not need to do or share anything you do not want to.
What if it’s been a really, really long time since we’ve had sex?
Then you are not alone. A long dry spell does not mean there is no hope for your sexual relationship. This is a common situation for couples starting sex therapy. Often there are feelings of embarrassment, rejection, or failure for couples who haven’t been intimate in a long time and we will address those in session. You get to set the pace on what you are comfortable discussing and trying at home. I will support you in figuring out your next steps and in taking them no matter how small they might be.
I don’t think I have sexual desire. What if I’m not interested in sex?
It is both valid and possible you don’t experience sexual desire. Being asexual, or ace, is just as authentic as being homosexual or heterosexual. It is OK, even in a committed relationship, for a person to not have sexual desire. If that is the case, the conversation will be about working through the feelings on both sides about this and discerning what this means for your relationship and how both people can get their needs met. It is not my job as a sex therapist to force anyone into to doing something they do not want to do.
And it is also possible that the context or circumstances of your life have your sexual brakes locked in the on position. If your brakes are engaged it is impossible to turn on your accelerators, aka the things that stoke your desire. Sex therapist, Dr. Laurie Watson asks women the following scenario: If you were able to check into a hotel, get a massage, take a nap, take a shower, get dressed up, meet your partner for a delicious dinner with good conversation, and then go back to your hotel room… would you be open to sex? If the answer is yes, it is likely you do not have a desire problem, you have an energy/stress/overload problem. Sex therapy can be helpful in learning what your brakes are, how to turn them off, and begin to experience desire again.
Talking to a stranger about your sex life sounds like many people’s definition of a nightmare. I get it, discussing intimate desire is not easy and I have lots of empathy for this. There is nothing you could tell me that would shock me or cause me to judge you negatively. I use compassion, humor, and knowledge to help you feel comfortable in creating an intimate connection with the one you love that’s better than anything you’ve seen on the big screen.
Schedule a free, online consultation today to see if I could be a good fit for you. I do my best to respond to all inquiries in one business day.
1. Sexual Satisfaction in Long-Term Relationships: A Comparative Study of Couples in Different Relationship Phases. The Kinsey Institute; 2017
2. Sexual Desire and Satisfaction in Long-Term Couples: Predictors of Sexual Well-Being; Journal of Sex Research, 2017
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