Your young adult child seems stalled out. They’re not going to school, not working, they seem content to laze about and avoid life. You can’t imagine what kind of future they will have if they never leave your basement. It is so hard as a parent to see your child struggling and you want to do all you can to help. For many parents in this situation, they find themselves offering advice and giving suggestions that their child hasn’t asked for and honestly, doesn’t receive with grace and gratitude. Parents offer to pay for therapy but the young adult won’t go. Parents mention that a place is hiring and the child has a million excuses why that won’t work. Parents create elaborate schedules and contracts requiring their kid to get out of bed, eat healthy food, move their bodies, and take their meds and their child disregards of it. Everything just leads to more fights.

In parenting therapy, I make sure my clients know I see their good intentions and then I gently ask: is it working?

No. Much to the despair and hopelessness of my clients, none of these attempts help a young adult gain motivation or take action to improve their situation. But there is further harm that happens here as well:

1. You are implying to your child that they clearly need to change, and you don’t think they can do it for themselves.
2. You are communicating that lacking basic knowledge (ex: staying up all night isn’t the healthiest choice.) is the reason your kids aren’t doing things. This conveys that you think they are stupid or don’t understand what their actual challenges are.
3. You are expressing disapproval in their life which increases their own feelings of shame and frustration. They won’t tell you that. All you’ll see is anger and rejection.
4. Because your kid is avoiding you to avoid these conversations, all interactions are negative. You’re no longer having any moments of fun or connection. 

So what should you do instead of offering advice?

• You listen.
• You empathize.
• You validate.
• You remain outwardly non-judgmental.
• You find ways to express your love and care for them.
• You express your frustration about the situation to others rather than to your child.
• You focus on rebuilding and strengthening your relationship with your child.

Does this seem impossible? Many parents I work with have been in conflict with their young adult children for so long it is nearly impossible to focus on the positive, show love, and connect. Yet for change to happen this is where we must start. You do not have power or control over your kids like you did when they were younger. You can’t force them into a car seat or ground them when they break a rule. You can’t make them do anything. The best we can hope for in our relationships with adult children is to have influence on them. You would like your opinion to matter. You would like them to take advantage of your life experience and wisdom. You would like to be able to help. And, to do this, you must have a relationship with them. When you child feels loved, understood, and connected your words and perspective will matter to them. Then you will have influence. They will trust you are truly on their side and can come to you for guidance when they are ready. If you are in constant conflict, your kids do not trust you and it is much easier for them to scorn you and your advice.

In parent therapy I help you situation get clearer about what is in you control and what is not. How you show up for your child is within your control and can have an influence on their behavior. If you need help in figuring out how to do this, reach out today to schedule a free consultation.