Many partners want to be able give toe-curling pleasure and genuinely ask, “What can I do for you?” or “What do you like?” Often this question comes up as part of a bid for sex and the partner is genuinely curious about how to make sex more appealing.  Let’s be honest, in most heterosexual marriages it’s usually the male partner asking. And women’s answers usually fall into one of two categories:

1. I like it when you lighten my load/help me out around here/connect with me emotionally. Then we can talk about sex.
2. I don’t know.

There has been much written about number one, deservedly so, and it is a very real issue that is discussed in my therapy office. But today let’s talk about: “I don’t know.”

There are many, many reasons a woman or woman identifying person might not have a clear answer to “What do I like in the bedroom?”. Here are just a few I’ve heard:

1. I’ve never thought about what I like.
2. I was never told that my pleasure matters.
3. I spent a large part of my life shutting down my sexual desire (thank you, purity culture) and don’t know how to switch it back on.
4. I don’t even know how to figure out what I like.
5. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it.

In sex therapy, I can help you navigate all these barriers so you and your partner can feel comfortable talking about sex and learning about what both of you like.

If you think about it, the focus of discussion around men’s sexuality is their desire and longing for pleasure. Sometimes this is even framed as a life or death pain issue. (In another post I’ll discuss how this can be damaging to men and relationships.) In discussion of women’s sexuality, the predominant stance is about her being sexy and desirable. “Women deserve pleasure .” is not as loud of a message as, “You’ll get pregnant!” “Don’t be slutty.” Or “Men need it.” So it’s no surprise that many women aren’t sure what they like.

Now, a lot of my clients will say, once they are having an intimate moment with their partner, that its fine, good even. But both partners will admit that they would like a sex life that is more than, “Fine, good.” How can a woman begin to discover what she really desires? Here are some suggestions:

1. Tune in to your body more throughout the day. Often women are so busy they are pushing through sensations like hunger, exhaustion, being too hot or cold, or even having to go to the bathroom. Instead, try to notice how your body feels and see if you can respond to its messages throughout the day.
2. Notice good feelings. Turn your attention to any pleasurable sensation: the cool side of the pillow, a steamy shower, the sun on your face, or rubbing lotion onto your hands. You can train your brain to notice things that make your body feel good.
3. What do you already like? Think about a time when you did feel sexual pleasure. Consider not just what was happening in that moment but also what lead you there in the first place. You may start to notice some common denominators that help you sink into pleasure.
4. Expand your knowledge. Are there books, movies, or shows that depict things that may be enticing to you? Could you share them with your partner?
5. Practice giving feedback in the moment. It may be a lot easier to notice you like something while it is happening rather than in a discussion the day before. Talk with your partner about when you both would like feedback. In the moment? Immediately after an encounter? The next morning? Then simply start by saying, “I like that.” Or, “I like when you…” See what happens when you begin looking for and talking about your pleasure.

Sex is a vulnerable subject and making changes or requests in your sex life can be risky. But if you know you both deserve better, reach out for a sex therapy consultation today.