Couples Therapy
How did we get here?
You look at your partner and feel nothing. Nothing but hurt, frustration, and exhaustion. You are having the same damn argument over and over again but nothing changes. You have tried everything you can think of to be understood. It seems like nothing you do ever makes your partner happy.
You never imagined you would be the kind of person who got divorced but you also can’t imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t seem to care about you. You really want to make it work or decide what to do next.
You aren’t even sure where to start. Do you just need to communicate better? Maybe you just need to get on the same page about money, parenting, household tasks, sex… Who knows? It all ends in fighting.
Through couples therapy you will understand what’s happening between the two of you and get unstuck.
For most people marriage isn’t easy.
These days there are many stressors and not much support for families. Many people get overwhelmed and their relationships pay the price. It is not surprising that couples need help in staying connected.
Here is one common pattern: a couple gets married when they are young and relatively responsibility free. Then life gets full, really full. There are jobs, housework, budgets, kids, aging parents and much more that all require time and energy. Suddenly it feels like there’s too much on your plate and you need a break. And you certainly don’t have it in you to connect with your partner. In fact, your partner’s needs start to like another item on your to-do list or worse, like an attack.
For sixty seven percent (67%) of couples’ relationship satisfaction takes a nose-dive after having their first kid (John Gottman, 2011). But children aren’t the only factor that can stress a relationship. When two different people share lives, it is inevitable that there will be conflict. Sometimes it gets so bad that couples find themselves arguing about how they are arguing. Many couples need help in figuring out how to move forward as a team.
Sometimes, partners fear wrecking their marriage but also don’t want to be stuck in an unhappy, loveless one. Other couples don’t even notice how far apart they’ve grown until the kids move out. They wonder: is there anything left? Other couples seek therapy in a new relationship after divorce, determined not to repeat the same pattern. Often the ways couples are trying to fix their problems are actually making things worse.
No matter what is causing the hurt in your relationship an empathetic, knowledgeable couples therapist can help you get back on track.
Love always takes work but it should never take suffering.
-Helen Rosner
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy gets to the heart of the problem.
Usually what a couples is arguing about is less important than how they are (or aren’t) communicating. In fact, John Gottman’s research finds that on average sixty nine percent (69%) of relationship problems are unsolvable, there is no compromise.* Most relationship damage doesn’t come from what couples argue about but from not knowing how to handle conflict in a healthy, effective way.
*Don’t panic, we’ll address this as well in Stage 3 of EFT.
EFT addresses the causes of the problem, not just the symptoms. Together we will understand how each of you learned to manage your emotions, how to do conflict, and what feels like love. Because your partner definitely learned different tactics and now you’re are stuck in a cycle of misunderstanding and disconnection. This is based on attachment theory which tells us that our early experiences impact our beliefs, feeling, and actions.
There are 3 stages to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy:
Stage 1 – Identify and De-escalate the Cycle of Conflict
Basically, couples have a predictable cycle they get stuck into when emotions get hard. We’re going to figure out your unique cycle and help you understand what causes it. Suddenly your partner’s tendency to shut down or your inevitable yelling makes sense. Once we understand our partner’s moves in the cycle we can learn to discuss conflict without ending up in deadlock.
Stage 2 – Repair
Now that we have more safety, we will work to rebuild trust and revisit past unrepaired pain and hurt. The goal is true healing and understanding so that you no longer need to protect yourself from the person you love most.
Stage 3 – Strengthening
Whew! The hardest work is done but often couples still need to learn how to address unfinished conflicts. I help couples get on the same page with the classics: sex, money, children, aging parents, and more. The last step helps you feel confident in maintaining these changes through relationship maintenance. If you are fans of Gottman Methods this is where their research is incredibly effective.
Truly, couples therapy can be uncomfortable as I guide you in sharing your most vulnerable parts. I will be there to create a safe space to do this and compassionately remind you of my three rules of relationships:
- There are no bad guys.
- All behavior makes sense when we understand feelings.
- Even good people hurt their partners.
You will also experience moments of love and connection between you and your partner that you have been longing for. Your partner will become your greatest support and soft place to land. And, we will laugh, which is also therapeutic.
I have chosen to specialize in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy because it is incredibly effective. Ninety percent (90%) of couples who go through EFT significantly improve their relationship and 70-75% of couples no longer fit criteria for relationship distress following treatment. Couples report ongoing satisfaction even a decade later.
Yeah, but…
“We’ve already tried couples counseling and it didn’t work.”
Unfortunately, there are many well-intentioned therapists out there who offer to work with couples without specialized training. Working with more than one client in the room is not the same as individual counseling. Some couples therapists focus on teaching you the actions that research shows happily married people do. I’m not going to tell you to go on a date night or to schedule sex. I’m not going to remind you that gardens grow where they are watered. I’m not even going to help you speak each other’s love languages. Chances are if you’re here you’ve tried all that and much, much more. While this advice can be helpful when you still like your partner, often no amount of ‘I statements’ will help you once you get flipped in to fight or flight. I have pursued ongoing training in Emotionally Focused Couples therapy because it addresses the causes of what is happening between you and creates a new, secure bond.
“Couples therapy is expensive and time-consuming.”
Yes, good effective couples therapy is a big investment. An investment with potentially wide-reaching benefits. Research shows that a secure happy relationship with your partner increases your mental well-being, physical health, and overall stress level. Modeling a healthy relationship benefits your children. And despite the time and expense of couples therapy it is cheaper than a divorce. You may find other couples therapists who do not require weekly sessions however, I believe this schedule to be the most effective. I want to set the conditions necessary to create good change faster rather than see you for years with variable results.
“What if my partner doesn’t want to go to therapy?”
Ooof. This is hard and probably more common than you realize. Many people don’t want to go to therapy, especially couples therapy (which is not usually well-represented in media). I would get curious about the specific reasons your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy. Perhaps there are concerns or expectations that you both share and can decide how you would respond together. For example… “What if the therapist just sides with you and tells me it all my fault?” You could agree that is not helpful and that you wouldn’t continue to see a therapist if either of you don’t think it’s a good fit.
I am also willing to have a free consultation or a few sessions to help you have that conversation with your partner and address any reservations they may have. Just like you wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive, you probably don’t want to commit to working with a therapist without finding out if I’m a good match and can be helpful to you. I have also worked with one member of a couple to help them get clarity on what might be happening and how they could improve their relationship by making changes in their own approach.
