Family Therapy
Can we really be a family anymore?
Have you ever thought the following about your family members?
We can’t even be in the same room together anymore. The last time we were together we had such a big fight, I don’t know how to come back from that. Am I just supposed to pretend everything is fine when I’m not even sure I want to spend the holidays with them? I don’t want to cut off my family, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to lose this relationship.
Being in a family is hard in the best of times. And these are not the best of times. All families have conflict and few have the skills to navigate them. Sometimes the hurt and misunderstandings have gone on for so long it’s hard to remember why you are working so hard to keep your family members in your life. Stressors like financial issues, traditions, in-laws, aging, and political or religious differences, can escalate long running tensions and make being in the same room impossible. You start to question why you still have this person in your life. Have they ever had your best intentions in mind? Are you staying connected only out of obligation? Will you regret your decision in the future?
Family therapy is a way to answer these questions and collborate for a relationship that works for everyone. The truth is family is optional. Some people have had to make the difficult decision to cut off a family member for their own well-being. And others, like you, aren’t ready to take that step.
-Fred Rococo, Somebody, Somewhere
Most families aren’t the Brady Bunch -and that’s okay.
Even in families where there is love and good intention, conflict, distance, and misunderstandings are common—especially in adulthood. According to a 2024 Pew research study, fourteen percent of parents of adult children reported that they clash with their children often about topics such as finances, career, and choice. 1 Thirty-eight percent of adults report estrangement with a close family member. 2 Because it’s not often talked about, conflict with family members can feel lonely, shameful, and hopeless. The truth is if you are struggling with your adult family members you are not alone.
You feel like you are speaking two different languages, and you can’t understand how your family member can act or think the way they do. This builds what John Gottman calls negative sentiment override; there’s a breakdown in the relationship and now negative emotions and perceptions dominate your view of the other person.3 You see everything through the lens of what you’ve already decided about the person. “She hates me and that’s never going to change.” or “They are so sure they are right; they’ll never understand my perspective.” Once you’re in negative sentiment override, communication breaks down and often people are only defending themselves rather than hearing what each other is trying to say.
Families come to me when they feel stuck. They know their relationship needs to change but they can’t figure out how. It feels like the only options are black and white: cut off from one another or just pretend everything is fine by limiting the relationship to polite, surface-level interactions. The problem with this approach is that pretending means hurt and resentment continue to grow. I help families find other ways to understand their conflict, love one another, and enjoy spending time together again.
Family therapy brings enjoyment back to family time. (Rather than dread and anxiety.)
At the heart of most family conflicts is misunderstanding. We don’t have the full picture of what is causing our family members to act and respond the way that they do. I use Emotionally Focused Therapy methods to help you understand both your own and the other’s feelings that are causing the hurtful behavior. This first step, understanding one another’s intentions, lowers distrust, anger, and hurt. Family members realize they have the same goal: a happy, healthy, connected relationship. Families don’t want to get into arguments or feel guarded around one another. When they understand that most mort frustration behavior usually comes from genuine (although perhaps misdirected love there is more safety to express what their real concerns are.
Once family members have increased trust, we begin to discuss boundaries: what you need to stay in good relationship with one another. I will teach communications skills such as validation, curiosity, clarity, and soft start-ups. These are all effective relationship skills that, unfortunately, we are not typically taught. In families it is more common to have inherited unhealthy forms of communication such as avoidance, deceit, and defensiveness. I help you clarify what each person hopes for the relationship and figure out what is making this hard. We probably also need to address past hurts and misunderstandings in order to apologize and forgive.
There is no blueprint for family therapy. That is because all families and all family disputes are different. However, this is the general format: I have at least one individual session with each party, either individuals or couples. Here I want you to be able to tell me what is going on from your perspective without worrying about how your family members hear it. I want to make sure you feel I grasp your side and what you are hoping family therapy will do for you. Sometimes this takes more than one session, sometimes not. Generally we proceed with joint sessions from there. Family therapy is not like individual therapy. As a family therapist I am more directive, I will likely interrupt you, guide your communication, and teach you new skills. Throughout this we will increase understanding of how y’all got into this mess in the first place without blaming or shaming anyone. I firmly believe: we are all doing the best we can in every moment and good people can still sometimes hurt the ones that they love.
In my 12 years of experience in working with families, I have help families navigate conflicts in the following areas to name a few:
- Covid guidelines and family contact
- Differences in parenting views
- Opposite religious and political viewpoints
- Estrangement
- Divorce and custody conflicts
- Mental health concerns
- Holidays and traditions
- Elder care and end of life decisions
- Changing relationships as children become adults
- Expectations for support and connection
- Past hurt and abuse
Notice how many of these are topics we’re told are the quickest ways to wreck a Thanksgiving dinner, topics we have been told polite people don’t discuss. Topics that are emotionally charged. Many families do not want to fight; they want everything to be calm and fun. This desire for peace can mean we don’t know how to talk about difficult subjects and those who do are ‘rocking the boat’. Healthy families can not only talk about these topics but also, know that true connection comes we do so. Luckily, these are skills that can be taught and practiced in family therapy.
Could family therapy really work for us? Some of us haven’t spoken to each other in months (or years).
Usually when people aren’t speaking to each other it is because they are so hurt, they can’t imagine where to start. The first step is to help you create a safe space to talk about things that would lead to shut down and fights before. In my office you will be able to have a better version of the same old fights that got you here. I bring nonjudgmental empathy to the situation and guide you step by step into addressing the pain and grief of family disputes and in rebuilding safe, genuine connections.
Who participates in family therapy?
It depends on who wants to participate. Together we will figure out which and when each family member should be involved. Sometimes, I work with two family members who are in conflict, sometimes it is with different ‘sides’. For example: a couple and their adult children or two couples from the same family. Sometimes, once the conflict has been solved with the primary parties, we invite partners, spouses, or other family members in to understand the process or learn about the new terms of the relationship. Family therapy is tailored to your specific needs.
My parents are older and have never done therapy in their lives, can this still work?
Honestly, is common for family therapy to be someone’s first experience of therapy. This is especially true for older generations. Luckily, you don’t need to be an experienced therapy client for this to work. My approach is to meet people where they are in a compassionate, open-minded way. I will guide you in the communication and skills necessary. Also, because family therapy usually has a clear goal, it is usually a shorter term of therapy than individual or couples therapy. This is an active, directed process that will make clear to you how you got stuck and provide tools to navigate future disagreements.
Family therapy reconnects people who were on the brink of giving up.
I experience a high percentage of success with families in which each member wants to reconnect- even while doubting it is possible. Once people have decided they are willing to talk about this with a professional they are taking the first step towards one another. While some people view the need for therapy as a failure, I recognize and admire the courage it takes to decide your family is worth admitting you need help.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I understand the dynamics between people that can cause impasses and cut-off. As a member of a family myself I know how hard it to change your interactions with those you have grown up with- old patterns die hard. I will help you understand that your reactions are normal and your wishes can be respected just like those of your family. I will help you remember the loving, lovely parts of your family so that you can begin to make happy memories together again. To get started, reach out today for a free, 20-minute consultation. I do my best to respond to inquiries within one business day.
- Pew Research Center. 2024, January 25. Parents’ relationship with their young adult children.) https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/parents-relationship-with-their-young-adult-children/
- Estrangement from Mothers and Fathers (National Longitudinal Study Reczek, C., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2022). https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37304343/
- The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W Journal of Family Psychology, 2000